Me: Did you hesitate when you decided to become a nun and what about after that, have you ever think about giving up on this path?
Sis Mai ngihem : I was almost 18 when I decided to become a nun. I remember the morning after I wrote a letter to the monastic, I woke up and think to myself what did I do? I was thinking about life at school, live the rest of my life in the countryside in france. that thought made me crazy. but then the second thought comes up, It's about the reason why I decided to choose this path and it's even stronger than the first thought.
life of a monastic is not different from normal life. there's up and also down.
the second time my hesitation comes up, was three years after when I 'm going to recite to become bhikkuni I have a strong feeling that i want to disrobe, I was thinking about my life if I wasn't a nun. I was thinking about my study, having a boyfriend, have my own apartment and being close to my family. that though also made me think that I do not deserved the Bhikuni status too because I wasn't ready.
I shared my doubt to one of my elder Dharma sister, and she told me the story about the buddha. when Buddha was sitting beneath the Bodhi tree and nearly reach the enlightenment, Mhara came to Buddha and Mhara offer a lots of choices to Buddha. But Buddha he has a very strong and clear direction to be liberated. So Mhara has no power over him and disappear.
After I heard this story, my doubt has gone. I really don't understand why. and I don't really want to understand it much.
and now I'm happy with my monastic life and even more and more I feel that I still have a lots to discover within myself.
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